Steel Hand Tool
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Steel Hand Tool
A poem, you know what to do Yahoo Answers Community! COMMENT!?
Fountain of Salvation
Crimson droplets of life,
Coursing through my veins.
A fountain spewing it all,
And leaves my supply to wane.
The fountain at my chest,
Is marked by cold steel.
The engineer's hand still
Holding the tool that pierced.
My soft, silky skin rippling around,
The point of the puncture.
The ocean of red streams around,
The murderer's structure.
My eyes roll back,
My arms go limp.
My body dies out,
My heart starts to quit.
I lie dead, with a knife in my center.
I lie dead, with the attacker before me.
I lie dead, with a final glimpse of my life.
I lie dead, exactly how I want to be.
Argh, sorry.... I keep forgetting not to put a comma or period at the end of EVERY line.... I Am just used to it... Ignore it plz! srry
It's so intriguing: I really want to know what you mean by the last line! It's such a good punch to the end of the poem. I sort of like that you kept the meaning ambiguous, because I guess it'd be less interesting otherwise.
+ The anaphora at the end works well, the topic is very interesting and you've written the topic well. Rhymes usually bother me but yours really don't.
- I think "and leaves" should be "that leaves" or just "leaves" or just "leaving", you should (in my opinion) take out every comma except the ones in the the last 8 lines.
I do really like the person before me's idea of heart surgery, partially because I think what the poem is missing most is reason, some explaining setting and characters that would give a reason for the plot occurring. If you wanted to, I think you could title your poem "heart surgery" or something akin to that, and without changing anything else you could completely change the meaning of the poem. Even the last line would make sense, because it would then mean that you were under anasthesia, which you want to be, but the word "dead" would make it much cooler. Well maybe you'd want to change the second to last line. But still, it's pretty cool how that works.
Steel Slapper - Metalworking Hand Tools